The Address to the Tin of Haggis

Actually we were fed up of paying so much for haggis from the famous Boston butcher Salvadores (where Julia Child used to buy her meat!) Therefore I wrote the following Address to the Tin of Haggis which will only be funny when you have heard the real version a million times before!

Last year we struck upon the idea of several people reading one verse each and then remaining upstanding to recite the last verse together - I will never have it any other way! Here are pictures of those who addressed the haggis this year, and here are the words to last years attempt!

Click to hear it being read or read it below!

'Address to the Tin of Haggis'
Fair fa’ your alu-minium face, 
Great chieftain of the tin-can race.
Other haggis call ye a disgrace  
Of processed fare .
But the test of the puddin’ is in the taste
So lets compare!!

Now Savanore's Deli they will sell 
Imported haggis - stomach as well!
It’s January, and they can tell
Your time of need.
Nineteen ninety-nine a pound
Pure Yankee greed!

But every year some one complains
‘That haggis gave me stomach pains
I was on the toilet with the faints,
Thought I would die!
Felt like I had cultured strains
Of E. coli!

Now mark the tinned haggis man
No stomach lining in this can
All good beef cooked in a pan
If you please
Saturated fat is better than
Mad cow disease!

I'll not eat blood pudding nor spam
Of heart and lungs I am no fan.
America was right to ban
That tripe away.
The warnings here, right on the can,
From th’ FDA. 

But now my knife won’t fit my sock,
And ‘stabs’ as you might wind a clock.
Just pierce the top and round
Till it’ll go no more.
But here is one that I prepared
Some time before.  

Now horn for horn they stretch and strave  
Deil take the oven – I microwaved!
Add some water, make a paste
In covered dish.
Five minutes on high, add salt to taste!
Oh how delish!

Is there that ow're his Campbell soup?
That condensed mushroom looks like gloop!  
Or ramen that would make you spew
Ashamed - you oughta!
Rice-a-roni’s instant glue
Just add hot water!

But young kids they will eat that trash
Packet soup, its salty mash!
They’ll not touch broccoli for cash
And are sent to bed.
But down the stairs like floods they dash
For Mac and Ched!  

Try ser-ving Haggis to the weans,
They would rather eat a dead sheep’s brains
So if they ask, just never tell
What’s in the dish.
‘Ach its all the meat we couldna sell
To the English!’

"Warm reeking, rich" – these words did jot
Wasn’t the only thing Burns liked hot!
Gonorrhea he finally caught
And that’s a fact.
May auld acquaintance be forgot?
‘Till tests come back!

Then Robert wrote his great address
To the haggis – ah it was his best!
I love the poem I confess
But I can’t see
Paying so much for haggis when my wife found
The recipe!

So ye powers, I’m talking of McSweans.
Some must get their produce by any means.
They smuggle haggis in the seams
Of their coat lining.
And all the year they have Burn's night dreams
Of finest dining!

Smuggle haggis in? I’ll not dare!
I travel with ‘nothing to declare’
Don’t need an officers stinking glare
And jaup me luggage!
And so I hope that you’re prepared
To toast tinned Haggis!  

                        - Jeremy Bell, written in a hurry 24 hours before dinner!

Next - The Toast to the English and their Reply