Burns Night Speeches 2007
It was a grand gathering of the Sons of Harmony, a Rev War Masonic reenactment group led by the Captain of the Lexington Militia! They toasted us in 18th century Masonic tradition and made for some great pictures! My address to my english friend concerned the Colonial days and what might have happened if we had won!
Paul
Revere's Horse
Quiet
my children and you shall hear,
The midnight ride of Paul Revere
That fateful ride which our patriot owed
Much to the horse on which he rode.
You’ve
heard a great deal of brother Paul
In the saddle, sitting tall,
But little of the horse underneath -
A silver bit between its teeth!
I
quote:
“Booted and spurred, with a heavy stride
Now he patted his horse's side.”
A stallion? Mare? Black, grey, yellow?
No details from our man Longfellow!
Never
was a horse so overlooked
In all of the world’s history books
The rider stars – he takes the lot!
The horse that he rode in on – squat!
Longfellow
(nom de plume you know)
Added ‘Wadsworth’ for a bit more show
Well I don’t know where your were born
But ‘Longfellow’ sounds like a nom de porn!
And
he made up most of what went in
Too much cider at the Wayside Inn!
For all the times that Henry lied
His poetic license should have been denied
To
make it scan, he changed it all .
‘Coming are the British’ was the actual call.
Back to front - hey, could have been worse
He could have called him Paul Reverse!
So
the first American hero he made
Running from the enemy, crying for aid.
But while Paul received all the attention
His trusty steed gets n’ere a mention.
Now
other poets was much more fair
Remember ‘Tam O’Shanter’s mare’
I quote “Well mounted on his grey mare meg
A better never lifted leg.”
(Now
‘Lifted leg’ was not referring
To Tam O’Shanter’s bladder’s yearning)
Nor to what Cutty Sark could do in bed
But to Tams trusty old mare - Meg.
Yes,
Burns gives his horse quite a focus
(She sure saved Tam from the hocus-pocus)
If Meg handn’t grabbed him hoof in hand
We all know that Tam’d be damned!
That
short skirt on fairy Mary
Might have turned Tam Harrie Carrie
And Poor Kate would have lost her honey
But soon saddle up wi’ her souter - Johnny
At
least Burns paid homage to the steed,
I wish Longfellow had taken the lead
From a man who wrote about a mouse
Five stanzas just upon a louse!
And
Robert Bruce, whilst cavern hid
Wrote about an arachnid!
And we’ve all heard the wonderful story
That immortalized poor ‘Gray Friars Bobby’
You
see without his strong and trusty steed
Revere couldn’t run at half that speed.
To Concord he never would have got,
‘The first shot that was heard’ …
would not!
There
never would have been a fight.
The British would not have taken flight.
100 years later you would have found,
Imported tea - 10 pounds a pound!
You’d be drinking it everyday
No starbucks here, you’d be drinking tae!
Because British coffee tastes like shit
Only cold and watered down a bit
Charles
would be your future king
And then you’d see a curious thing
As in the saddle your ruler passes
A horse can actually have two arses!
You’d
pay more tax, but have no vote,
The mail would still arrive by boat.
And imagine driving all the day
On the other side of the ‘motorway’.
When the radio dial you turn
More BBC less Howard Stern.
You’d have a different tavern wench
Less Dolly Parton, more Judi Dench!
So
you see that on the back of that horse
The whole of history changed its course.
And yet one has taken all the
fame,
We don't even know the other's name.
And
so on that fateful night, two answered the call
A patriot, by the name of Paul.
But from the facts, it would appear.
It is his horse we should Revere!
-
Jeremy Bell, 2007
The Reply from the Sassenach!!! |
Bloody Bob’s Bastard Boat
Bob, being bitten by boating bug,
blessed by booming business, bought boat.
Big beautiful blue bottomed boat built by best British boat builders.
Bob, beguiled by boat’s boundless beauty, beamed broadly, boasted,
brought buddies.
Buddies brought beer.
Blown by beautifully blustering breezes Bob’s buddies bobbed buoyantly
‘bout Boston bay, boozing, booming bawdy boating ballads, behaving
badly,
Bosun Bell brazenly baring buttocks before bamboozled bystanders.
Brilliant, bloody brilliant, bellowed Bob.
But bob’s boat began blistering,
blistering badly, big bulbous blisters burst blemishing boat’s beautiful
blue bottom.
Bugger, bemoaned Bob.
Bewildered by bizarre blistering behavior, Bob brought boat by boat yard.
Bodes badly Bob, began boatyard Bill, big bloke, bearded, belt buckle
bursting below bulging beer belly. Boats basically buggered.
Buggered, bellowed Bob, becoming belligerent, but Bill, boats been built
by best British boat builders.
Best British boat builders be buggered boomed bill, besting Bob’s
belligerence, brainless bloody bastards.
Big bucks, bleated Bob,
Bloody big bucks, Bill blasted, better
bring barrow.
Bob burdened by burgeoning boatyard bills, badly beyond budget, began
boozing badly, belting back beers bottle by bottle.
Begone bastard boat, Bob bawled, begone before Bob becomes bankrupt,
broke, bust, bereft o’ bankable booty.
By ‘n by, Bob’s boat broker Bob
brought British bloke by.
British bloke bought Bob’s boat.
Bye bye bastard boat Bob blubbered, bye bloody bye.
- Bob Mansfield 2007