The Sporran Police! 

There you are … dressed in your no fly zone, having some archaic fun, whirling around the dance floor with some braw lassie, your arms raised, that  dark sweat pool clearly visible (under her blouse) - a good sign that the Heuchter is ready to let rip!

Then you feel it – somewhere in the 7^th chakra it builds, just above the scrotum. The diaphragm expels it up the esophagus and you let your head back … and begin to heeeeuch … and then you get that look!

You have barely made it off the dance floor when some self-appointed little General marches over and tells you that 'in this branch of the RSCDS one does not yelp'!

They are collectively know as ‘The Sporran Police’ for are they not also the people who comment on the size and hangings of sporrans, and the colour of your socks! 

For yea it has been written that thou must NOT wear the white HOSE before dinner, and apparently the GOOD LORD hath said that BELTS must not be worn with Prince Charlie Jackets and the like. For thou I walk through the valley of darkness I must wear a GREEN TWEED with matching FLASHES …. and that DRESS SPORRAN should not see the light of day!!

Ach, away and recalibrate your rectal thermometers! Go ahead - pour cheap whisky on my sporran rash - its the heuching that keeps me alive! Its part of my Scottish spice, baby! Its all we have after 500 years of English dominance! It is my very being! Without it I am not centered! So why don't you click your heels together three times and ... leave me alone!!!

Me? Sore?  Line my kilt with sandpaper!  Cease my heuching? I’d rather lick a caber tosser's armpit!

These people are Real Snobby Crusty Demons of Sobriety! May a plague of kilt ticks infest their houses!

You know the type - always insist on being the ones to number off the sets, marching down the line, and pausing with that look if you are standing to attention as they 1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4.

I don’t know how they get the authority but there they are at the microphone talking you through Strip the Willow with as much passion as John Knox reciting the Karma Sutra! They, who are more interested in the straight lines than dancing along them! They’ll have us goose-stepping the Petronella next!

And if they can’t be stopped – at least you can annoy them!

When ever a two hand turn is called for, cross your hands so that you can add a spin at the end. Great fun, and for some reason, it really annoys the Sporran Police!

What's that dance when all the men cross in a line and dance down the down back of ladies line – spin the lassies as you go, or do the old 'cast off and tickle'!

There will be none of that one-hand-behind-the-back-turning, and any heuching during this pamby turn will result in a three Ceilidh ban as we quietly dislocate your shoulder! 

Further naughtiness might result in a Public Sporran Chopping, a very humiliating situation that can get rather painful if you don't keep extremely still!

Now the Eight-some Reel is a heucher's dream! It combines all the ways to have fun, bend the rules, show off your knowledge of the dance and heuch!

Set with your partner and 'cho-cho train' behind them when you go in for reel of three. Non-dancing couples skip around to switch places - train style!

Men's solo for high cuts and highland turn – 'mucho macho heucho' in mid-birl no less (and I dare you to try not heuching when you do this!!)

Other things that really get their goat include ‘Doing The Egyptian’ and ‘The Chicken Walk’ during any reel of three! Can-can kick at the end of all circles (with heuchette!)

Oh come on – when done with grace, in time to the music, this is what brings joy into dancing! If God had meant us to keep straight lines he would never have given contra dancers their pot bellies!!!

Now assuming you pass the test and have mastered all these combinations, you might be asked to join and become a fully-fledged member of Royal and Ancient Society of the Great Highland Heuch!    

©2000-2005 JB