Haggis - all the Meat 
We Couldn't Sell to the English!

Gregor McEwan, Scots food critic here and  lets face it – we are a Land of No Cuisine! When did you ever hear anyone say ‘I’m fed up of eating Italian and Chinese, lets go out for a Scottish!’ Come on, we boil our food, we chill our baths, we warm our beer!

Oh aye, there's haggis, but don’t you get the feeling that it was based on a dare!

‘Hey Shuggie, I dare ye tae eat that' 
'Is it dead?'
'Aye its been lying out there for a week!'
'Well OK then … which one?'
'The left one!'
'Ach that’s nothing! I’ve eaten one of those before … tasted like chicken.‘

'Aye but wait till you see what I am going to cook it in!!' 

Scottish sports are the same way – it's all a dare! Take our friends, Shuggie and Ian who have eaten their first haggis, but 6 days later,they are hungry again!

‘Hey Shuggie'
'Wha?'
See that big rock'
'Aye!'
'I bet … you couldne pick it up 
and lift it over your heed!'
'Nae tother! Here goes. Agggghhhhhh!' Doddle! Right your turn! See that sheep over there.'
'Which wan?'
'The pretty little blond over there.'
'Oh aye.'
'Well I bet you couldn’t throw it over McDonald’s cottage.'

 … and so began the sheep toss and the seasonal throwing of things. The Romans are launching javelins from racing chariots and we Scots are still in the dark ages picking up big things and chuckin' them!

'Shuggie?'
'Aye.'
'See them chunks of granite?'
'Aye'
'I bet you couldn’t carry them out over the frozen loch and slide them back to me!'
'Don’t be so stupid!'
'Go on!'
'OK then, but before I step out on the thin ice in a temperate zone holding a big chunk o' Elsa Craig granite, you have to do something more stupid!'
'Like what?'
'Well for a start, you will have to stand out in front of the rock as I slide it! And I dare you to dress up in yer mum's brightly coloured plaid skirt, with long wooly knee socks and red ribbons tied around the tops!'
'What - don't be crazy man!'
'Oh I haven't even begun! I also double dare yer tae tie a horses tail tied to yer wedding tackle! And wear just one bowling shoe …eh … whilst carrying  … eh carrying …a broom!'
'Never in a million years! I would look like a Jessie out there! What if the bloody Romans see us?'
'I triple dare yer, an' I'll introduce you to her sister!!'

 …. and over the wall are two Roman guards on Hadrian's wall laughing to themselves. 'Would you look at what those mad Scots are doing on that pond Tony! Now there's a sport that will never make it into the Olympics!'

No, you would need the Canadians to help you do that!

One sport that has been banned was the ancient sporting bet of jumping into the loch and last one up wins the money! They had to put a stop to that one, well too many people were drowning!

Then there's the caber toss, but the name got lost in the gaelic translation - it was actually called ‘catching the caber.’

‘Hey Shuggie'
'Aye'
'Have you dried off yet?'
'Aye – and just for the record that was the stupidest idea you have had so far.'
'Well I just thought up another great new game! Wanna play?'
'Will I get hurt?'
'Probably.'
'OK then.'
'Ah you’re a good sport. I'll agree to keep this skirt thing on (actually I am beginning to like the attention I'm getting!) What I want you to do is go out into that field and hold your hands like this. No a little further, go wide young man! Way out there! Right, now close your eyes and turn around.

Hey McLeod – come and watch this. Come on man, this is gonna be way funny! Shuggie – you got your eyes closed? (whispered) Right, watch metry and land this rock on his bald heed!  Seriously, you wanna see something swell - just keep yer eyes on Shuggie's cranium! Its going to be like an orange on a cocktail stick by the time I’ve finished with him! I’ll teach him messing my giiiiiirlfirned! Aye, he chucked her over McDonald’s cottage!

Hey Shuggie – can yer mother sew? (whisp) Aye, well get ready to stitch this ya bampot! Shuggie – the human tent peg, ha!

On second thoughts, McLeod, go gather the clans! This is gonna be worth seeing! A little Highland pay-per-view! Go on get them out of their little EZup tents and form a big circle.

... and get me something heavier that this - a great big log! Oh I don’t know – something with a pointy end that I can chuck at that daft wazzack!! What are all those poles that Alexander Bell has been putting up around the country – aye rip one of those up for me! What? The wires? Och, just cut them off. (zzz ahhh!) Oooo, that had to hurt?  

Right, I just gotta get it up – whoa there Nellie - just a few steps ..  a run …and ... Ya Beautie!'

The caber spins once, twice, and comes down like a pile-driver right on our man Shuggie, sinking him 3 feet into the ground! How I would have loved to have seen the inaugural caber being launched into history – turning twice and coming to rest on the daft bugger's forehead!

Apparently the McLeods laughed so much that they had to officially change their plaid to a bright yellow! (Hey, there are some stains that you can only remove with a pair of scissors!)

Funnier still was the fact that our Shuggie actually survived the ordeal! Oh he got up alright and boy was he angry! He grabbed his hammer, tied it to the end of his sporran chain and then he began swinging it over his head!

Got Ian in the shin!  Ian tried to jump but Shuggie got him in the other shin … and chased him all the way over … to Nova Scotia! I think that is why they still dance like that in Cape Breton! It looks like someone is hitting them in the ankles - the Dance of the Tonya McHarding! Again it will take a Canadian to take that to the Olympics!

So, we are a Land of No Cuisine - what else? Oh yes, we are definitely Scotland - The Land of No Carwash! 

©2000-2005 JB