'Scottish Coffee Tastes 
Like Toasted Milk!

Now we do make the best cup of tea in the world, but that really comes down to the ability to boil water! 

We make ‘bread and butter pudding’ out of bread and butter, but we don’t make coffee out of coffee! Instead we use that instant chicory stuff served from a styrofoam cup with cold milk and 3 sugars! Its not coffee - its tea with a brown crayon dipped in! I have passed stronger urine samples! 

Naa, if you want real good coffee you have to go to America - The Land of Starbucks! They are everywhere! George Carlin recently announced that they were opening up a Starbucks in his pants!

America has TV shows that are based around coffee shops – Friends, Seinfeld, Frazier – all have great scenes in the local coffee-house, and many comedians got started over cappuccino open mikes – like Stephen Wright. He once put a cup of instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time! In the morning he drinks a cup of instant coffee just to wake him up enough so that he can make some real coffee!! 

In American they serve this great coffee in book shops where you can read through books and magazines with your cup of Joe! It gets even better because some give out free pastries-samplers at the check out! There are even restaurants they leave a whole pot of coffee on your table so you can just help yourself! 

However, with all this great stuff – there is often a wait! I have been amazed how long Americans will wait for their morning cuppa. Even in NY, where people who can’t wait for the dial tone, they will stand for 10 minutes to order their cappuccino-double-decaf-Americano-skimmed-peppermint latte to go!

Oh yes, there is a lingo involved and if you don’t know it, you look like a tourist and I am sure they charge you double! Say tall you get small! Say vente and they say 'why not Grande?' Say 'Toffee nut frappuccino Grande café mocha' and they say $6.95! And that's not even with a topping! Coffee topping?

Then they get personal by asking if you are regular! 'Well on a daily basis but what kind of question is that to ask, and that will affect the way you serve my coffee?' I’ve heard of caffeine enemas before but not in a coffee shop! Maybe that's why you can't get into the bathroom without a special key!

I once overheard a woman asked if she would like whipped cream on her Grande mochas? I wish she had gone with it and said ‘Only if its non-dairy – these are implants you see!’ Double cup? Oh aye and then some!

All these questions and its not even 730am! I came in here to wake up and you are giving me a third degree burn here! Here's a curious question - 'shall I leave room for milk and sugar?' How much sugar do people add? Then the classic question asked so casually would you like that hot or iced? She’s holding the cup out like she can just flick a switch and change the temp through 90 degrees! Hot coffee please (I didn't know I would have to stipulate!)

Half and half? What is this - a test?

Finally, they try to tempt you with the most  expensive thing in America – the check out mints! They simply take a regular mint from a 50 cent package and cut it into tiny pieces and charge $10! I suppose every now and then some very sleepy person thinks that his breathe is strong enough to carry off the cappuccino machine and so inadvertently picks one up and forgets to look at the receipt! Don't let that person be you! 

Instead get in line as someone else writes out your order in hieroglyphics on your cup and you just have to wait for them to milk the Arabian goat for the fussy bugger in front of you! 

Finally it arrives - the best cup of coffee in the world - like chewing the beans yourself! A great way to start off your first day in American! Now sit back and read the list of other things you will enjoy in the US of A!  

Some Other Things I love about the Good ol' US of A!

©2000-2005 JB